I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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