I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
