Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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