Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
