I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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