i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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