we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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