Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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