You don't have asthma, your pregnant
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
