I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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