Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I FOUND THE LEGS
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
