I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
