someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
