I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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