I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
