im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
