well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
