MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
