i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
