i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
