Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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