JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
