i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
