Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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