You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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