I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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