My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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