I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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