I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
