Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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