Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
