Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
This is not my ceiling
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
