I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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