I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
