Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
