Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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