I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
