i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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