my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
