When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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