i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
