Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I still have a little drunk in my system
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
