i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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