I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
