I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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