hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
