I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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