just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
