what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
