It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I need to calm my uterus...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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