Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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