you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
