I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
