I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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