2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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