Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
