also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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