Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
